Running With Scissors

2011-03-30T15:53:00.000-04:00

Jen: I miss having Marines at the ready ... I'm going to kidnap a few from Fleet Week.

Meli: It's not like your basement is doing anything else, it might as well house a few pets.

2011-03-10T21:15:00.002-05:00

While watching the 25th Anniversary Concert of Les Miserables on PBS:

Vic: "You said Lea Salonga was in this? Is she Fantine? This Fantine is Asian..."
Rob: "Honey, that actress isn't Asian."
Rob [taking a closer look]: "No, that's just some Hawaiian girl."

[Fantine dies and a pledge break begins]
Announcer: "And that was Lea Salonga in the role of Fantine."

While watching a DVRed episode of The Martha Stewart Show on Maker Faire:

2010-10-24T21:43:00.003-04:00

A disinterested Martha talking to Latina girls about a bike they modified into a giant "Girlzilla": "So you're the designated driver?"

Girl: "Yeah."

Rob, talking for Martha: "You know, Brown Girls, we have something in common. I went to jail, too!"

[Vic dies laughing.]

Later...

Martha, still bored, but trying hard to comment on the EggBot: "It looks really complicated."

The inventor: "It's really not."

Vic: "Math: It works, bitches!"

2010-07-25T18:28:00.002-04:00

While watching "I Didn't Even Know I Was Pregnant":

Woman, upon finding out she is not only pregnant but in labor: "What am I going to do?!?"
Vic: "You're going to have a baby, that's what you're going to do."
Rob: "Too late to do anything about it now."
(beat)
Rob: "Blog that before we forget about it."

2010-06-24T01:12:00.001-04:00

Vic: http://order.1and1.com/xml/order/tariffswitch;jsessionid=3AA6968C87C66437C97320FFFAE672B7.TCpfix141a?__frame=_top&__lf=Static free .com for a year... "no strings attached" hmm

Gary: They probably either put something awful on your computer or they ask you to hide a body in your basement. That's my guess anyway

2009-12-25T02:13:00.001-05:00

Rob: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h05ZQ7WHw8Y&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Vic: ROTFL!!!! This is AWESOME
Rob: Tired of using blankets like this asshole?
Vic: LMAO!... Side effects of wearing it include heart failure, herpes, and super herpes.
Rob: "So creepy Dads can lie in a seductive pose"
Rob: lol
Rob: "Sarah's not getting a date for the prom, look at her"
Vic: ROTFL!!!
Rob: I think we need Snuggies, Honey
Vic: lol
Vic: it's a backwards robe!!!
Rob: Fine, when I am sitting there comfy cozy in my Snuggie, and you are shivering, don't come nuzzling on my Snuggie!
Vic: LOL
Vic: Will your Snuggie have a cock hole?

2009-09-01T20:49:00.001-04:00

Rob: "Honey, don't throw that perfectly good crust out!"
Vic: *shaking crust at Rob* "I'm PORTUGUESE! Do you really think I am going to throw away perfectly good crust, I am throwing away my napkin!"

2009-07-17T10:05:00.000-04:00

Rob: Mercifully, she removed the cackle from her opening credits
Rob: (Rachael Ray)
Rob: "I wanted to start with a ladies issue."
Vic: lol
Rob: "I queefed last night while my husband was fucking me."
Rob: ROTFL!!!!
Vic: *dies*
Rob: "Ooops, I can't say that on TV"

2009-07-17T10:03:00.000-04:00

Vic: banquet sweet and sour chicken...
Vic: tasty, but it's basically rice, four chicken nuggets, and sweet and sour sauce.
Rob: Pretty much
Vic: No, I mean that literally.
Rob: I know
Rob: I used to eat them
Vic: It was the same shape as the chicken nuggets. lol
Rob: Once I got five chicken nuggets. That was a day for rejoicing, let me tell you!
Vic: ROTFL

2009-06-26T01:08:00.002-04:00

On Michael Jackson:

Rob's friend Tamara: Is he dead dead, like for real real, not play play?
Rob: Like, Latoya Jackson is now the prettiest white girl at the dinner table, dead.

2009-06-13T18:33:00.002-04:00

Jen, upon trying Wasa crispbread for the first time:

"AHHH! It tastes like Jesus!"

(I meant, obviously, the Communion wafer... which, I guess, according to Catholic belief, IS Jesus...)

2009-06-11T22:40:00.002-04:00

For this to make any sense you may want to visit The Legend of Neil and watch an episode long enough to see the theme song...

Drew: I love the legend of Neil
Drew: Oh You bag of dicks!
Vic: LOL!
Vic: It seemed appropriate since you're playing a Zelda game.
Drew: yeah I might end up in the game myself LOL
Vic: Well, don't masturbate to the fairies, and you should be fine.
Drew: Can I masturbate to the gay looking character?
Vic: It's a Nintendo game. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Drew: lol
Drew: the main character
Vic: Yeah, go right ahead... Not sure who else wants to masturbate to Link, but different strokes for different folks. LOL.

2009-06-01T21:34:00.000-04:00

Jen: (reminiscing about the old days) I want to go back to 1998!
Mike: Well, I'm afraid you can't.
Jen: Fuck you! You don't know about my Time Machine!
Mike: You mean the toaster?
Jen: ...yeah.

2009-06-01T21:33:00.001-04:00

Jen: (not feeling well) Fucking Jesus
Mike: That's gonna be the name of my new ska band
Jen: Mine is going to be 'Jesus, Joseph and doggystyle Mary'
Mike: Wait...is that metal or ska?
Jen: I don't give a fluck..fuck.

*pause*
*laughter*

Jen: Don't make me laugh; I'm gonna puke!!!

2009-06-01T21:23:00.002-04:00

In the middle of a conversation about Europe, Jen forgets what the residents of the Netherlands are called (that would be Dutch).

Jen: .... fucking wooden-shoe-wearing motherfuckers!
Mike: Those shoes are called sabots.
Jen: What?
Mike: Sabots.... don't you know where the word "sabotage" came from?
Jen: ... the Beastie Boys?

2009-06-01T21:13:00.000-04:00

Jennifer: ah ok i thought we were still talking about the butterball faerie
Melissa: LOL
THEE butterball fairy
Jennifer: LOL
Melissa: b/c she exists
like santa
only she comes out at greasy redneck parties to deliver roasted chicken

2009-05-30T10:20:00.001-04:00

During a conversation about Jen's adventures at Fleet Week NYC:

Melissa: but now tell me the truth
Melissa: how many marines did you kidnap that day and now have tied in your basement
Jennifer: LOL
Jennifer: as many that fit in my rental kidnapper van

2009-05-18T12:24:00.001-04:00

Rob: Wow, I totally didn't know that Sue Simmons dropped the F-bomb on TV
Vic: LOL... why?
Rob: it was a mistake
Vic: well, duh
Vic: oh...
Vic: she was trying to say something similar... gotcha
Rob: I grew up on Sue Simmons
Rob: It is wrong!
Rob: It feels wrong anyway LOL
Rob: That ranks up there with Miss Molly screaming "lick my twat!"
Rob: of things I never thought I would hear
Vic: ROTFL
Vic: I snorted.
Vic: Thanks, honey.

2009-04-16T15:37:00.003-04:00

Rob: Yes, this is why I need nap time

Rob: Bob Ross and his happy little trees, and nap time

Rob: ~sighs~ it is about half as good as naptime with Vic :-*

Vic: :-)

Rob: Bob Ross doesn't spoon as well though

Vic: I can't wait to nap with you this weekend.

Rob: meeee tooo

Rob: :-D

Vic: Bob Ross spooning is a scary image.

Rob: Um yes

Rob: "Oh, that's just my happy little cock. It's just there, in its own little world."

Vic: ROTFL!

Rob: Yeah, ew, I even grossed myself out with that all time low

Vic: ROTFL.

Rob: He could read me a bedtime story if he wants, from like, the other side of the room

2009-04-09T13:43:00.002-04:00

Paul: Also, I love Gordon Ramsay

Vic: Why?

Vic: What's he doing now!??

Paul: being awesome?

Vic: so the usual

Paul: haha yeah

Paul: He's kinda sexy. Kinda.

Vic: I like the hair

Paul: Bet he'd be a big queeny bottom in bed though XD

Vic: ROTFL! *imagines him talking during sex*

Paul: IN THE BIN

Paul: ITS CRAP

Vic: ROTFL!!!

Paul: *cackles*

2009-04-04T10:23:00.002-04:00

Mike: Would you please stop talking? I need to get some sleep. It's already midnight.
Jen: No, it's not.
*looks at clock, which is displaying 12:00*
Jen: ...fucking clock, spreading lies.

2009-03-30T13:48:00.002-04:00

Rob, mocking Sandra Lee's cooking skills:

Vic: Well, it's boiling water and coffee... If you can manage Chicken Piccata and Pasta Fagioli, there's no reason you shouldn't be able to do coffee. Even Sandra Lee can do coffee.

Rob: "I am going to show you how to make Semi-Homemade Coffee, let's get our keys"

Rob: "Get into your car, put the keys in the ignition, and drive approximately 2 miles to Dunkin Donuts"

Rob: "First I will show you how to make a coffee with cream and sugar"

Rob: "Hello can I help you?"

Vic: ROTFL!!!

Rob: "Yes, I would like a large coffee with cream and sugar."

Rob: "Any donuts with that?"

Ron: "No, we are not making donuts in this episode"

Scary visual places.

2009-03-11T21:17:00.001-04:00

Rob: Unrelated note: Idina Menzel has an album!?

Vic: Yes.

Rob: And ok, I could probably listen to her sing, "I took a crap on my husband Taye Diggs chest," but, the lyrics on this album, not so good

Vic: *laughcoughlaugh*

Vic: Thank you so much for that image

It's chocolaty hazelnut spread... How can I resist?

2009-01-15T15:08:00.002-05:00

Rob: You and that damn Nutella

Rob: "Where is Vic?"

Rob: "Rehab."

Rob: "Drugs?"

Rob: "Lord, no!"

Rob: "Alcohol?"

Rob: "Of course not!"

Rob: "Broken leg?"

Rob: "Nutella"

Rob: "Beg pardon?"

Rob: "He was on the kitchen floor last night, eating it with his hands. He broke down weeping"

Rob: "I had to do something with him, he was crying out for help"

Rob: "Help in what?"

Rob: "The jar ran out and the stores were closed."

2008-09-06T18:05:00.000-04:00

My friend Rob upon making some bread in his newly acquired breadmaker:

Rob: it is not as sweet as I was expecting

Rob: but good

Rob: And BIG

Rob: sounds like my first blowjob

2008-04-22T15:03:00.000-04:00

Vic: A Roman Catholic priest who used 1,000 helium balloons to try to break a flying record has gone missing off the southern coast of Brazil.

Vic: we're sending up priests in balloons now?

Gary: can you think of a better way to reach up to god?

Gary: prayer is a waste of time, BALLOONS are the answer

2008-04-13T01:08:00.000-04:00

After watching Fiddler on the Roof on TV:

Gary: also, goddamit, tradition is in my head on a permanent loop

Vic: thanks. and now i've got it back in my head.

Vic: though, i can fix your problem... in 3..2..1...

Vic: ohhhhh, come on eileen...

Gary: LOL

Gary: Thank god for Eileen.

Vic: hehe

Gary: You know that head-on product, with the really annoying repeating commercials. Head-on, apply it directly to the forehead. Head-on, apply it directly to the forehead. That product is made 99.95% from Eileen.

2007-08-16T16:25:00.000-04:00

Melissa: ugh this fucking hurricane better die
Jen: i can't wait til you move out of FL
Jen: so i can go back to rooting for the hurricane in the battle of hurricanes vs. the South

2007-08-08T15:57:00.000-04:00

Dear moron,

Just because you are oblivious and missed your clearly marked highway exit does not mean you have license to drive across to grassy middle of the interchange. Please correct this problem immediately by driving yourself into a telephone pole.

Hugs 'n' kisses,

jen

They come from France

2007-08-08T15:50:00.000-04:00

Once upon a time, in the not-so-olden days, I was going to college and taking an American Lit course ass-early in the morning two days a week. On the first day of class, my professor wanted to start things off with a reading of an Eskimo tale. In a sarcastic tone, she asked the class, "And we all know where Eskimos come from, right?"

One student, not realizing that the question was rhetorical, raised his hand. Before the professor could call on him, he blurted out, "France".

"What?" the professor asked, clearly about to go into shock. How do you get out of high school not knowing the answer to this question?

"Eskimos come from France," the student repeated. What was sad was his confidence regarding the correctness of his answer. As if we were the morons for not knowing Eskimos came from France.

My professor then politely attempted to give a short version of Eskimo history to this rube, and I will give her credit because she did not once have to stifle a laugh OR a scream of horror. I, however, went home and wept. I wept for one reason, and one reason only: in a year, I would be receiving my diploma alongside the very ass who insisted Eskimos came from France. That diploma would be absolutely meaningless. Apparently, they just give it to anyone who pays their tuition on time and shows up for class. Including those who believe Eskimos hail from France.

2007-08-08T15:42:00.000-04:00

Vic: I want a William Shakespeare action figure.
Jen: only if I can have a Poe action figure :)
Vic: They sell them in that shop whose name I've forgotten across the street from Secret Stash :-P
Jen: awesome
Vic: lol. poe action figures :)
Vic: or a Jesus rubber duckie,
Jen: lol
Vic: Who wouldn't want to bathe with Jesus?
Vic: lol
Jen: LOL
Vic: ROTFL.... And then I started visualizing that....
Vic: "Why, Jesus... why are you cutting yourself with that razor blade?"... "So you can wash away your sins WITH MY BLOOD"
Jen: LOL EW
Vic: Or if you want to go porny....
Vic: "Jesus, why are you undoing your robe?" "Eat me!"
Vic: Aaaand, I'm going to hell. lol
Jen: LOL noooo

2007-04-27T21:14:00.000-04:00

Vic: I know you like dogs, but I sooo can't imagine you with a god.
Vic: Er, DOG.
Gary: Yes, this is my pet god, scruffy
Gary: Say hi, Scruffy! Scruffy: *parts the sea*

2007-03-07T01:21:00.000-05:00

Jen and Gary,
Sorry for the sudden change in template. Blogger demanded I update to "new Blogger" before posting and when I did, it killed the archive links from the old template. So... hideous new template!

2007-03-07T00:50:00.000-05:00

After I complained about a lousy morning:

Larry: Aw boo. Well hey you could be watching the Price is Right in between replenishing electrolytes and yammying up yesterday's dinner. Or you could be a newborn giraffe. It could always be worse. :)
Larry: At least there's a cute boy in the showcase showdown.
Vic: LOL :-)
Vic: You mean playing it? Or as a prize?
Larry: Playing it. If they offered him as a prize, I'd have headed down to the Bob Barker Studios long ago.
Vic: "This twink and a year of styling products can be yours..... if the price is right!"
Larry: LOL yes!
Vic: I wonder who they're going to replace Bob with.
Larry: Maybe Ryan Seacrest will take over for Larry King AND Bob Barker. Because being on TV only 4 days a week isn't enough for him.
Vic: LOL!
Vic: I want to see the Ryan Seacrest/Barack Obama interview. Preferably followed by a game of Plinko.

2007-02-27T00:30:00.000-05:00

Gary: filtered water is the best thing since sliced water
Gary: err....bread

2007-02-19T01:14:00.000-05:00

Jen: there's this banging noise coming from right outside the balcony door...
Jen: first conclusion i reach is that serial killers (that obviously double as ninjas, or how else would they get to the 7th floor from outside?) are trying to break the door down to come in and rape and kill me
Jen: nevermind the strong wind banging the aluminum shovel against the side of the balcony
Vic: lol
Vic: the juxtaposition of ninjas and rape is hard to wrap my mind around
Jen: LOL.
Vic: they move so fast and silently you can't even tell you've been violated until it's too late... "what's that breeze?" whooosh... :P
Jen: LOL!!! how horrible

2007-01-16T02:45:00.000-05:00

Larry: Hi :)
Vic: jowdy
Larry: Jowdy!
Vic: er, howdy
Larry: Jup, yo? :)

2007-01-14T15:50:00.000-05:00

Jen: WTF??
Vic: ?
Jen: I just got a private message on my blog service from some random person:
Jen: hi jen, i know it might be ancient but i just have to say cinema paradiso always make me realise how important children are and how they can bring out so much in us..
Vic: ooook
Jen: oh wait
Jen: it's entitled "wake up call films"
Jen: or rather, that's the subject line
Jen: I get this...
Jen: this is another random fuck who sees me calling myself childfree and thinks he can convert me
Vic: :P
Vic: then i'd say they can bring out heartburn if not broiled at a hot enough temperature
Jen: LOL!

2007-01-12T00:24:00.000-05:00

Five fabulous men I've chatted with online and hope to never run into in person:

the graduate student who asked mid-chat, "A 'misogynist'? What's that?"
the 48 year old man who-- 90 seconds after introducing himself-- wanted to meet in person to cuddle.
the foot fetishist "in a monogamous relationship" who wanted to know how big my penis is.
the guy who called me an asshole after I explained to him that I don't hook up with people I met online.
the married bisexual who didn't think sleeping with men was cheating on his wife since the genders were different.

2007-01-04T16:00:00.000-05:00

Vic: he lives
Gary: possibly
Vic: they don't have aim in the afterlife, silly (windows licensing issues)
Gary: LOL no wonder communications go way down once folks are dead
Gary: i don't suppose there are computers in heaven either
Vic: they do have internet access, but it's one cable node for the entire place, so it's reeeeeeally slow
Gary: LOL pff.. paradise schmaradise
Vic: well, they have lube fountains to compensate
Gary: God: Let there be lube fountains!
Vic: Pretty much. And then, hark! The hairy angels sang!
Gary: lol

2006-10-26T01:10:00.000-04:00

I quote a comment to an entry on Joe. My. God. and off we go:

Vic: "I don't see how this is seen as a small step. I think this is huge. And quite frankly, I don't care if the state senate calls it Fudgepacker Matchup. Since it has ALL the same rights and privileges as traditional marriage, it is the same. You can call it a jumper or a sweater, it's still knitted, goes over your torso and keeps you warm in the winter." *snort* now THAT'S a name.
Jen: LOL! wow.
Vic: That also sounds like the name of a really awesome gameshow.
Jen: one you should totally create
Vic: lol
Vic: oh god.
Vic: um... i don't even know what sort of a gameshow it would be, though
Jen: lol, then you have a lot of work to do!
Vic: lol
Vic: hmm.... or it could be a board game...
Jen: lol.
Vic: like a memory type game where you match up the guys.
Vic: LOL.
Vic: Player 1: "He likes leather. He likes opera. Aww. No match. Your turn!" Player 2:"He enjoys looking down on others. He's a narcissist. Yay! Fudgepacker Matchup! I go again!"

2006-10-26T00:15:00.000-04:00

Vic: jen did math... i wonder if the earth is about to explode.
Jen: jen has a quicklink on her keyboard to her calculator. :P
Vic: that'll work too.
Vic: that's what i did. sadly.
Jen: lol.
Vic: and then the earth exploded, anyway. fortunately, it was a small explosion, more like a fart, really, and the only casualty was a tree and the green elf within it.
Jen: LOL!
Jen: blog that

2006-09-18T01:00:00.000-04:00

Jen: [Link to picture on IMDB]
Vic: ooooh
Jen: there should be a stipulation in his contract that he is only allowed to be photographed topless.
Vic: lol
Vic: and one that i get to lick his nipples every time he is. :P
Jen: LOL
Vic: i'm just saying
Jen: dammit, what do *I* get to lick, then?
Vic: ROFL
Jen: don't answer that.

2006-09-07T00:50:00.000-04:00

Jen: lol. let's start our own company
Vic: ok, i'll be a 'ho... you can be my pimp... i'll totally rake in a quarter or two.

2006-09-05T23:09:00.000-04:00

Via a text message:

Jen: So I'm browsing Target's website looking at Halloween costumes, and I notice their sizing thing says plus sizes go UP TO a Size 12. On what planet do plus sizes END at Size 12?

Meli: On Planet Anorexia in the Skeletal Star System.

2006-08-30T03:13:00.000-04:00

After watching this video:

Vic: i want he-man's abs.
Jen: I want she-ra's boobs.

2006-08-26T00:36:00.000-04:00

Re: This image from a vintage ad archive.

Vic: It's like straight out of the Jeffrey Dahmer cookbook or something.

2003-12-13T20:22:00.000-05:00

Gary: LOL..I so want a dominos commercial that's just. "We make pizza, fuckers. So order if you know what's good for you."
Gary: no people, no actors...just a black screen, white letters, a a pizza graphic spinning

2003-08-03T15:34:00.000-04:00

Vic: LOL. WHAT THE HELL.
Jen: LOL. hm?
Vic: TV ad for deodorant:
Jen: lol, great
Vic: Guy: "What I like about women is that they don't sweat. And they don't smell like a guy [random stuff about how this deodorant is made for men while women paw at him.]"
Jen: LOL... ah.... he must not be a resident of planet reality
Vic: lol
Jen: he should take a whiff of my armpit
Jen: I really hope that's the last time I EVER say that again.
Vic: ROFL!!!
Vic: *dies*
Jen: LOL
Jen: whoo

2003-07-25T18:25:00.000-04:00

Dear RWS,

I still love you. I know we haven't posted here in a long time, but we haven't forgotten about you. And no, we're not cheating on you with Livejournal. Promise.

Love,

Jen

2003-06-09T01:25:00.000-04:00

Jen: how goes it, foo'?
Jen: wouldn't it be funny if I talked like Mr. T for a week?
Mark: :-) you should
Mark: it always makes my job more fun
Jen: LOL
Jen: wow I'm weird
Mark: I pity the fool that dont upgrade to windows service pack2!!!!
Jen: LOL

2003-05-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

Crossposted to my journal:

Mark: how goes your day?
Jen: same old bullshit
Jen: i need to trade in this life
Mark: for a new one? :-P
Mark: like with cars:-)
Jen: I'd take a toaster oven at this point
Mark: thats a boring life
Jen: dude
Mark: bread goes in, toast comes out
Mark: bread goes in, toast comes out
Mark: fork goes in, someone's kid screams :-D i guess it would have its perks
Jen: I'd taking "boring" over "everything being an uphill battle and consistently getting shit on by life" any day
Jen: LOL
Jen: see
Jen: I was meant to be a toaster oven
Jen: .......and that's perhaps one of the most disturbing things I've ever said
Mark: LOL
Mark: blog that :-)

2003-04-18T01:55:00.000-04:00

Gary in an IM, summarizing quite well what makes NetHack so cool:

"to me..the appeal of the game is that like...every other game in the word is built so that you you're meant to get to the end, beat it and win..while this game is like...uhhhhhhhno, fuck you"

2003-04-16T18:43:00.000-04:00

Jen: why is it 85 degrees out?
Gary: the atmosphere and the sun combine together to trap heat next to the planet
Jen: but it snowed 8 inches last week
Gary: the atmosphere and the sun were drunk on tequila that week
Jen: LOL ah

2003-04-16T17:22:00.000-04:00

Jen: I hated the wallpaper in my old room
Mark: why?
Jen: because it didnt have flowers on it...
Mark: the fungus/bloodspatter pattern is rather quaint :-)
Jen: it had weeds on crack on a paisley pattern
Mark: mmm paisley
Jen: it was the 70s when my parents picked it out
Jen: they were probably on drugs
Mark: and everyone was on drugs that decade
Mark: lol
Mark: beat me to it
Jen: lol
Mark: we rck :-)
Mark: rock
Jen: :-D
Mark: wonder twin powers, activate! FORM: A COMPLETE SENTENCE!!

2003-04-08T01:02:00.000-04:00

So I [Jen] am reading The History of the Decline & Fall of the Roman Empire for my Political Science class. For those that don't know, this book is 700 pages long (and that's just the condensed version) and was written in the 1700s in that god-awful antiquated, flowery language. Due to my sheer hatred for this book, I tend to leave my reading assignments for the night before they're due, and somehow in that night read and summarize 150-200 pages of this crap.

Jen: *rewrites Roman history again*
Vic: AGAIN
Jen: lol. after tonight, I only have roughly 100 pages left to read & summarize.
Jen: I'm still trying to figure out how I'm getting A's and B's on these things..
Jen: my classmates must be doing AWFUL
Vic: How long were these Romans chugging along? Isn't it about time for the big meteor to hit the Yucatan Peninsula and make them all extinct
Vic: :P
Jen: i'm in 530 AD
Vic: blah
Jen: Goths are trying to take Rome from Belisarius
Jen: *pictures Goths dressed in the latest from Hot Topic marching through Italy*
Vic: Aren't they always.
Vic: LOL!
Jen: "and after Dark Raven slayed Belisarius, he wrote a poem about how the war, while necessary, made him want to slit his wrists."
Vic: ROFL

2003-04-04T03:30:00.000-05:00

On our Winamp playlists:

Vic: *plays "like a virgin"*
Jen: lol
Jen: i'm playing "hell"
Vic: LOL!

2003-03-29T17:03:00.000-05:00

I just thought I'm pimp our LiveJournals, since I know there are some (not many, but some) people who actually read this blog:
Jen's LiveJournal
Vic's LiveJournal
Gary's LiveJournal

2003-03-20T04:27:00.000-05:00

Comment of the night
Jen: LOL... it's 4am... I'm discussing gay men, boobs, and jello.
Jen: this is my life.

2003-03-20T04:25:00.000-05:00

Jen, on trying to find a Home Depot:

Jen: LOL... dammit...
Jen: central jersey triangle of uncivilization strikes again
Jen: click here
Jen: searching for home depots

2003-03-16T21:57:00.000-05:00

Hey, don't knock the Basketball and God combination until you've tried it. It's very addictive. So addictive that Post has decided to make it's own Basketball and God breakfast cereal, aimed at children, called Half Court Godyums. It's loaded with rainbow marshmallow basketballs, hoops, sneakers, and Jesus. Right now, it's only being marketed in Oklahoma.

2003-03-14T00:54:00.000-05:00

Hey! I'm Caitlin. I Loveee playin Basketball. It's sorta my life :-). Umm, I also like to hang out with all my close friends and things like that. Youth Group is a biggg part of my life and so is God. :-). Well, I guess that about raps up me, have fun lookin at my life, lol. ! peace !
I wish I had the power to just sigh "dead!" and make people disappear.

2003-03-10T00:51:00.000-05:00

Gary: Poor Hannibal...so misunderstood
Vic: Yes, doesn't EVERYONE want to eat Ray Liotta's brain?

2003-03-08T19:29:00.000-05:00

Yaknow..for being a very woman-empowering channel, Lifetime sure has a lot of movies about women getting raped and murdered...

2003-03-06T17:57:00.000-05:00

Jen: dude
Jen: where did this snow come from?
Mark: nebraska
Mark: thats where snow is harvested
Jen: fuck nebraska
Mark: before it's shipped to the 48 continental states
Mark: alaska makes its own
Mark: and snow is illegal in hawaii by ancient hawaiian rule

2003-03-03T22:49:00.000-05:00

While watching Miracles:
Vic: yay! the little dead girl is back!
Gary: *makes lots of celebratory noise* Congratulations Vic, you've discovered the most rarely used sentence in the English language! You win!

2003-02-14T02:34:00.000-05:00

Jen: *listens to a song called "Seek And Destroy"*
Jen: this is going to be blasting on my radio when I'm driving around in my car picking people off at random with my highpowered rifle in a few years
Gary: LOL..cool..it'll look good on a documentary too

2003-02-05T22:53:00.000-05:00

I need to rant somewhere, and this is just as good a place as any...
Metallica, one of my favorite favorite FAVORITE bands is not only releasing a new album in June but also going on tour this summer!!!! Their Summer Sanitarium 2003 tour features Metallica (duh), Limp Bizkit, Linkin Park, and I think Mudvayne and Deftones as well. And they have stops in both New York and Philly listed. Tickets go on sale Feb. 22nd. Someone buy me a ticket!!! AHHH!!! Why must my financial situation get even shittier when so many wonderful things are happening?!?! I WANNA GOOOOOOOOO! Heh.. in celebration of this announcement, the four rock radio stations I listen to have been playing Metallica all night long. This rocks. Who wants to come with me? Buy my ticket? I'll pay you back! I swear! Sigh.

2003-02-03T22:26:00.000-05:00

[ rant ] GODDAMMIT! Special message to all you assholes who run to the doctor demanding antibiotics everytime you get a GODDAMN COLD... If I read about one more of you fuckers and your quest for antibiotics to treat colds and flus I will kill you all. You're only helping to promote antibiotic resistance, which means that one day we'll all be infected by a superbacteria that cannot be destroyed with any of our antibiotics. VIRUSES cannot be helped by antibiotic medication; ABs treat bacterial infections ONLY. Viral infections must run their course and can only be treated symptomatically. Why might you feel better after taking antibiotics when you have a virus? By the time you reach the point where the medication should be kicking in, the virus is already on its way out of your body. So do the entire fucking human species a favor (and this goes for asshole doctors who prescibe ABs just to shut up their asshole patients): stop requesting antibiotics and treat your freaking symptoms! And next time, try building up your immune system so you reduce the chance of getting sick in the first place. Don't believe me? From the CDC website, and I quote: "Widespread use of antibiotics promotes the spread of antibiotic resistance. While antibiotics should be used to treat bacterial infections, they are not effective against viral infections like the common cold, most sore throats, and the flu." [ /rant ]

2003-01-30T21:10:00.000-05:00

Melissa on Telenovelas
Meli: and wouldn't it be about a bitch that the apocolypse came just before the last episode of several novelas?
Meli: so many angry hispanic souls roaming the plains
Meli: and yours
Vic: ROTFL!!!

2003-01-24T17:00:00.000-05:00

Jen: man it is freaking COLD
Gary: yah, it's really brr..they had to come in and fix (again) the heat in the office.. there was like something wrong in the ceiling..and the sprinklers are frozen over...so if there's a fire..we're all going to die..
Jen: lol great
Gary: the pipes are going to burst..and flood the place..so if we don't burn to death, we will all drown
Jen: ahhh, that's my little Gary Sunshine
Gary: LOL!!

2003-01-10T21:03:00.000-05:00

Vic: molly ringwald in cabaret... first it was john stamos, now it's molly
Jen: LOL yay
Vic: is cabaret the large intestines of broadway or something?
Jen: ROTFL!!!!
Jen: oh christ... having chest pains

2003-01-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

Vic: *visits the state sex offender registry for shits and giggles*
Jen: LOL, i did that too
Vic: yay. 41 matches... why couldn't they sort them by city
Vic: and it would be nice to sort by crime.
Vic: "ACCOSTED TEENAGE GIRL WALKING ALONE. FORCED HER INTO HIS CAR. USED KNIFE AND THREATS. "
Jen: lovely
Jen: lol. 10 offenders in my county
Vic: :P
Vic: oh, look. one with my birthday
Jen: LOL
Vic: not the same year, though
Vic: "BEFRIENDS YOUNG GIRLS IN NEIGHBORHOOD. LURES THEM INTO HIS GARAGE "
Jen: we sound like we're talking about trading cards
Vic: LOL!
Vic: OMG! what a great idea for a sick game!
Jen: LOL!!
Jen: NJ SEX OFFENDERS- gotta catch 'em all!
Vic: LOL
Vic: I play the "Hard Liquor" card on my Level 3 Rapist, which powers up all assaults against females under 30, but prevents me from playing the "Cool Car" card.
Jen: ROTFL!!!
Jen: oh god now i have to blog this
Vic: LOL :-)
Jen: as soon as i finish vomiting with glee
Vic: LOL! whoo!

2002-12-25T00:14:00.000-05:00

Gary and Jen on Christmas
Gary: Happy Winter
Jen: Happy Festivus
Jen: whee... it's snowing here
Gary: really?
Gary: i'm too lazy to look out the window
Jen: LOL
Jen: *checks email*... oh... RimJob1779 is wishing me a horny christmas
Gary: ROFL!!!
Gary: The RimJob..he's so nice
Jen: LOL

2002-12-13T00:06:00.000-05:00

Vic: *gets out the valium and wine*
Jen: LOL
Jen: why do most of my dates start like that?

2002-12-12T01:07:00.000-05:00

Gary: whassup?
Vic: jen and i are playing with our webcams and talking about boys.
Gary: are you sipping over nescafe?
Vic: water here, and i have no idea what jen's having but it's probably as close to 200 proof as she can afford
Gary: LOL

2002-12-12T01:06:00.000-05:00

Jen: Ed Norton is my new secret boyfriend
Jen: http://www.chesapeake.net/patpress/patpress%20images/amhistx.gif
Jen: he calls me 'reichsfuhrer' when we're in bed ::grin::
Vic: it just rolls off the tongue
Jen: LOL
Jen: "oh reichsfuhrer"
Vic: i think i'll take the pecs and everything below the waist
Vic: and the shirt, just for the hell of it
Jen: LOL what do you think this is, a buffet?
Vic: yes.
Jen: LOL

2002-12-09T16:57:00.000-05:00

A continuation of the last post... Compare this with this... maybe the Disney Corp. is the continuation of the Third Reich after all.

2002-12-08T23:13:00.000-05:00

How To Fuck Up A Serious Discussion In Under 30 Seconds

(Mark and Jen discuss the sinking of the German battleship Bismarck during WWII)
Mark: i wonder if one day, we'll all realize we can be doing better things than killing each other
Jen: never
Jen: humans are animals
Jen: fighting for power and control
Mark: yea
Jen: it will never end
Mark: but i've never seen a pack of giraffes run around blowing each other up
Jen: no
Jen: but you've seen zebras taken out by lions
Jen: the food chain
Jen: like germany invading poland
Mark: yes
Mark: lol
Jen: strong prey on the weak
Mark: Poles = zebras
Jen: LOL
Mark: i'll never think of Polacks the same way again
Jen: LOL a Polish zebra
Mark: dumb, AND striped
Mark: :-P
Jen: LOL!!!!
Mark: now if you can go paint swastikas on the lions...
Jen: LOL wow
Jen: LOL... figures a serious conversation about history and philosophy would be reduced to discussions of Nazi lions by us
Jen: maybe HITLER was really the king of the jungle
Mark: :-P
Mark: Herr Lion King
Mark: HEIL DISNEY!! *salutes*
Jen: fuck Simba.... Hitler was teaching lions to goosestep long before he was around
Jen: LOL
Mark: :-)
Mark: LOL
Mark: Dave Letterman: "Our guest tonight, Reichsfuhrer Jen, is a criminal specialist in the field of war criminals. She is here tonight to discuss her new book, Nazi Lions and Desert Foxes, a look at the sheer silliness of World War Two"
Jen: LOL!!!!

2002-12-06T00:53:00.000-05:00

From an e-mail my friend Mark sent me:

Report: Boston Archdiocese prepares for bankruptcy
BOSTON, Massachusetts (AP) -- Two lawyers negotiating on behalf of alleged clergy sexual abuse victims said they will walk away from settlement talks unless the Boston Archdiocese assures them it does not plan to file for bankruptcy.

from hobokencafe.com:
Well glory be...all them bumperstickers will have to be changed from: Jesus Saves. to: Jesus Overspent. In true budgetary cutback times: Miracles performed will be reduced by 75%. The aformentioned coming of the Lord will be done by tele-conference and The Holy Spirit will work part time at Disney World on the Haunted Log Flume
Ride.

2002-11-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

Jen made me blog this...
Meli, upon reading the below: "You look pretty darn good for 200."

2002-11-25T16:36:00.000-05:00

Vic: I was explaining to my brother how "Internet" wouldn't be in an unabridged dictionary because there wasn't an Internet 10 years ago (of course there was, but he's nine and technicalities don't count)....
Gary: LOL
Vic: His response was "Your times sucked!" like i was from the 1800's.
Gary: ROFL!!!
Gary: You should go back to dipping your candles and churning the butter. It's almost dusk and you'll need to get right to bed so you can wake up early and thresh the wheat.
Vic: ROTFL
Vic: I remember the afternoons that Ben Franklin and I would spend, sipping Nescafe, and inventing bifocal lenses.
Gary: ROFL!!
Gary: Who would've known? Ben drank Nescafe. That's like finding out Abraham Lincoln was a fan of Fig Newtons.
Vic: *snickers*

2002-11-20T13:32:00.000-05:00

Jen: my psych teacher gave us this link to an NYU medical school site... it has a test on it for various types of personality disorders... she encouraged us all to try it because in her words, "it's reputable"...
Jen: I tested positive for five separate personality disorders. :P
Gary: LOL!!! congrats, always knew you were special
Jen: LOL!!!

2002-11-14T01:10:00.000-05:00

Vic: lol... craig kilborn is interviewing kermit the frog
Jen: LOL. and then the earth exploded into flames.
Vic: ROTFL!!!
Vic: *convulses*
Vic: that was perfect.
Jen: whoo!

2002-11-13T01:06:00.000-05:00

Jen: (quoting an Alice in Chains song) "like the coldest winter chill, heaven beside you, hell within..."
Meli: that's how i feel when i'm constipated
Jen: LOL
Jen: OMG BITCH YOU MADE ME FALL OUT OF MY CHAIR WITH THAT! LOL!
Meli: AGAIN? DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO GET A BIGGER CHAIR!
Jen: LOL!

2002-10-08T16:52:00.000-04:00

Jen: Why am I showing Vic a picture of my shoes?
Gary: Because he's gay and you're fabulous?
Jen: LOL
Jen: LOL wow
Gary: LOL :)

2002-09-29T18:48:00.000-04:00

I order chinese food on sunday afternoon. I open the fortune cookie and the way the cookie was held, the words on the fortune were facing down. I figure..ok..this is gonna be a great fortune..so..I'll eat the cookie and really bind the good luck fortune to me. I eat the whole cookie and flip the paper over.

"Be cautious while walking in darkness alone."

Greeeeat... Does the cookie know something I don't know? What's with the half assed ominous fortune... If the cookie knows someone's going to attack me, why didn't it just come out and say so.. What's with the fucking mind games?

"Be cautious of Bob, the large man with a sharp knife, while walking in darkness alone. He's 6'1 with black hair and shifty eyes and he'll be wearing a grey sweatshirt."

Now that's a useful fortune, dammit.

2002-09-26T16:49:00.000-04:00

Why Jen Sucks At Dating
Jen: ok so then i'm sitting in psych class...
Jen: now our classroom is right near the courtyard so i glance out the window and notice some guys from my law class standing there..
Jen: then i see what looked like some police academy recruits there...
Mark: ... and the deer from Rt. 22!
Jen: then in the fucking middle of them is a Marine in dress blues and I'm like WTF.... why are all the cast members of my orgy fantasy standing outside my classroom?...
Jen: so apparently the Marines are on campus recruiting today :-)
Mark: :-)
Mark: are ya gonna go slut it up?
Jen: lol
Jen: nah
Jen: I'm not dressed to
Jen: i have on old faded frayed jeans and a big black hooded sweatshirt
Mark: i didnt want to type that at first but once i started i had to finish
Mark: "hey big boy... feel like aiming high, hmm?"
Mark: "ma'am, we're marines... thats the air force."
Mark: "whatever"
Jen: LOL!
Mark: "we're looking for a few good men..."
Mark: "really? me too... and i think i found them. rowr."
Jen: LOL
Mark: "ma'am, I'm gonna have to ask you to back away and stop swiping the free stickers."
Mark: "damn."
Jen: LOL

2002-09-24T17:50:00.000-04:00

This was actually supposed to be posted yesterday...

Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday to Gary, happy birthday to you!!

Now can we get drunk?

2002-09-23T03:23:00.000-04:00

Nonsensical Ravings of Two Lunatics

Meli: yes pinky
Jen: LOL
Jen: GNARF!
Meli: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Meli: Jen not even trying hard
Jen: LOL!!
Meli: then we will take over the world!
Jen: LOL yes
Jen: god i have the sudden urge to watch George of the Jungle
Meli: mmmmmmmmmmmmm YES WAITER
Meli: I'll take the after shower scene with a side of George not even trying hard
Jen: LOL!!!!
Jen: that is SO going on your tombstone
Meli: LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAA
Meli: Only you could make George of the Jungle a sacred movie amongst our people
Jen: LOL!!!
Jen: "George of the Jungle" and "Sacred Movie" dont belong in the same sentence! LOL!
Meli: PRECISELY!

2002-09-19T22:54:00.000-04:00

Technology Love
Jen: LOL... is it wrong that I greeted my computer tonight by stroking it lovingly and whispering, "hey baby"?
Gary: LOL...I do that with my car.. A lot in the beginning..now I just surprise it on anniverseries

2002-09-17T00:32:00.000-04:00

Mark: SHOVEL JUSTICE!!
Jen: LOL
Jen: Love me some shovel :-D
Mark: LOL
Mark: i love when you talk like that
Mark: i dont know why
Jen: LOL thanks i think
Mark: but i picture a drunk muppet
Mark: like cookie monster with a bottle of malt liquor
Jen: LMAO
Mark: "LAA LAA LAA, LOVE ME SOME COOKIE, LA LA L-"[passes out]

2002-09-10T22:36:00.000-04:00

Creative Writing in the Classroom

After my friend Jen started taking her creative writing class, I decided to take part in her first assignment, being the creative chap that I am. The first task was to write a poem, imitating the style of another. I couldn't resist.

The original 'template' poem:

When She was Here, Li Bo, She was Like Cold Summer Larger
Peter Williams

"Her presence was a roomful of flowers,
Her absence is an empty bed."

--Li Bo (701-762)

When she was here, Li Bo, she was like cold summer larger,
Like hot pastrami at Katz's on Houston Streat,
Like a bright nickname on my downtown express,
Like every custardy honey from the old art books:
She was quadraphonic Mahler
And the perfect little gymnast.

Now she's gone, it's like flat Coke on Sunday morning,
Like a melted Velveeta on white, eaten
Listening to Bobby Vinton--
LIke the Philadelphia Eagles.

And now my rendition:

When She was a Skank, Li Bo, She was Like Ass Passed All 'Round Town

When she was here, Li Bo, she was a downtown ho,
Like a high price whore turning tricks on Houston Street,
Like a snazzy skank from the old art books,
She was a quadraphonic whore,
And the perfect contortionist

Now she's gone, like an old used, nasty ass condom on Sunday morning,
Like contagious STDs on white, eaten
Like 'fi dolla fi dolla' lost in the wind...
Listening to her pop pills in the bathroom,
Like getting her stomach pumped.

2002-09-08T22:37:00.000-04:00

Vic: fox news story:
Vic: apparently, there's a new dating service called "Thera-Date" where therapists can match patients with their perfect matches... it's only for people in therapy.
Jen: woooow
Vic: because there's nothing sexier than damaged goods. lol.
Jen: LOL!!

2002-09-06T23:39:00.000-04:00

Jen: ooh... i got junk mail from Kelly Clarkson (the winner of "American Idol")... she wants to make my dick bigger
Vic: LMFAO!
Vic: BLOG THAT!

2002-09-04T01:54:00.000-04:00

Vic: i'm still on that boy scout merit badge page...
Gary: lol
Vic: and clearly i'm getting tired...
Vic: because for a second, i could have sworn there was a merit badge for fisting
Gary: *spits up his soda*
Gary: ROFL!!!
Gary: Pantomime ONE of the following: An adult male fisting another male lubed with crisco....

2002-08-30T12:32:00.000-04:00

(Jen describes the abdominal "shooting" pains she's having as a comet)
Jen: >.<
Jen: the comet just passed
Gary: maybe it wants to be named
Jen: hale-bopp?
Gary: LOL
Jen: LOL Hale-Bopp, the gastrointestinal comet of death
Gary: LOL!!
Gary: I forgot all about hale bopp and that cult deal a few years back
Jen: LOL Heaven's Gate
Jen: those crazy fuckers
Gary: what an awful name for their comet too...
Gary: they might as well have named it 'mr. fuzzy'
Jen: LOL
Jen: or "MMM-Bop"
Gary: LOL!
Jen: LOL what if it was a singing comet?
Jen: everytime it passes by...
Jen: "MMM BOP BOP BOP DO WOP DIBBY WOP WOP DOO WOP"
Gary: LOL..groan... a good 500 people would die...either from hating the song itself, or from going into a homicidal rage at hearing it.
Jen: LOL
Jen: LOL OW my stomach oh god
Gary: awww
Gary: you've angered the comet
Jen: LOL

2002-08-28T18:44:00.000-04:00

Gary: rarr
Jen: i hate my computer
Jen: also, my room smells like hot dogs
Jen: and I havent had hot dogs in a looooong time
Gary: LOL!!
Gary: grrreat
Jen: christ of all things to smell like, why did my room pick hot dogs??
Gary: LOL!!!
Jen: it smells like the garlicky Nathan's kind, too, not Oscar Mayer or something of that nature
Jen: It's very sad that I can identify hot dog brands by smell
Gary: LOL!!
Gary: What an awful awful super power
Jen: LOL!!!!!
Jen: oh christ
Jen: what if that's my true calling in life?
Jen: Hot Dog Sniffer
Gary: ROFL!!!!
Gary: wooooooooooow
Jen: LOL wow

2002-08-19T00:40:00.000-04:00

Vic and Jen mocking that stupid Yoplait commercial
Jen: "Satan: He is SOOO good"
Vic: "He's 'I just had my left testicle bit off by a pit bull' good"

2002-08-16T22:45:00.000-04:00

What happens when Charlton Heston talks to Ronald Reagan
(I *heart* O&A and Foundry Music)